End of the Year

It's the end of the year. . . which means it's also The Annual Lion Awards at The Lion's Call . Turnings and From the Attic Poor have both been nominated for awards. If you don't mind clicking on this link: http://www.thelionscall.com/fanfic/judge_fanfics_guests.cfm  and judging some of the entries, I would be very grateful.

(One)-Shots and Snippets

Since my last post, I've uploaded two one-shots to fanfiction.net:

In Heaven's Despite

Tyrants are not created in a day, but rather over time. Miraz always selfishly took from his brother, forgetting what being a brother truly meant. A look at Miraz's progression from childhood bully to murderous traitor. 


From the Attic Poor

from the attic poor to the palace grand, the king and beggar went hand-in-hand. Peter encounters a poor lost little boy on the street, and is determined to help him.


In other news, I was cleaning out my documents earlier today, and I came across a document in my fanfic folder simply labeled "characters". I clicked on it, and I found that it was a bunch of drabbles based on a song challenge I had started and never finished. These drabbles have not been proof-read(or actually, re-read at all) but since I'm never going to post them, I figured I would at least put it here:

1.    Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like.
2. Turn your music player on and turn it on random/shuffle.
3. Write a drabblet/ficlet related to each song that plays. You only have the time frame of the song to finish the drabble; you start when the song starts, and stop when it's over. No lingering afterward! No matter how whacked out your drabble is.
4. Do ten of these, then post them.

1.Broken -Edmund

He gasped. The air filling his lungs never seemed enough. It took all his will not to scream out, but he was safe now, safe from everything. That’s what his mind said. His heart, however, felt a different matter. The clock on the bedside ticked slowly by, and he knew he would go to sleep again this night.

Edmund shivered, trying to keep his composure under control. He wouldn’t cry out this night, he wouldn’t! It would be pointless anyway. He guarded his heart so carefully, but all his siblings saw the demons that plagued him. He was falling apart and healing at the same time, a mixture of entropy and hope. It all seemed so strange to him, didn’t make sense, but it was comforting.

Edmund leaned backed and closed his eyes, willing his mind to see the Great Lion and not another terror yet this night. It took all his will, but he would continue this routine for the rest of his life if he needed to. In the pain, in the anguish, he found some sort of healing. It wasn’t something he could explain, but just something he knew. He was on his way home.

2.White Horse-Susan

The air was bleak and dreary, matching the emotion she felt in her heart. She couldn’t help but to cry. She replayed the scene in her mind, all the signs pointing to the end of the night when her heart was broken. Susan had believed this one would be different, he seemed so kind, so gentlemanly. . . like the knights that used to fight for her hand.

She shook her head. She wasn’t in Narnia anymore; no longer a Queen. Her life was nothing more than mudane. Why her love be any different? Had she thought herself invincible to a broken heart? She had to deal with reality, and she understood that now. Understood only too well.

She pushed the memory of Narnia out of sight, out of mind. If she couldn’t have her happy ending, she didn’t want to think about it. Her heart, over the years, had grown angry, and her heart couldn’t take it anymore. She locked it in. Narnia was no more for Susan.

3.Meant to Live- Peter

It all seemed so mudane to him now that he thought about it. England. He couldn’t see how he could have ever been enarmored with the small, petty little beautiful things he saw her. Sure, the flashy lights at the cinema were interesting and the beachside, where they would sometimes go in the summer, could be absolutely stunning, but he had yet to find anything that could have begun to compare to a brilliant Narnian sunrise.

And somewhere along the way, in the gray England countryside, he had found himself, and now in London he had lost it again. Somewhere, inside, he knew there was so much more than he could recall, more than he would ever touch again. It was such a deep longing, almost unbearable.

He could see his father, and his friend’s father, fighting in a war that so many men had forgotten why they were fighting. It was an honorable cause, to be sure, but Peter just wouldn’t be able to take it. He needed more than his father’s war, needed more than England’s war. He had to fight his own fight against the world and win, to find himself here again.

4. Falling Inside the Black- Aragorn

The rain poured down, a constant companion to his misery. The black, dreary world seemed so disconnected from the battle in his soul. The battle of hope and light, despair and darkness. He felt the burden of the world placed upon him. He was hope for everyone else. Could be have hope for himself? He felt as if he was slowly fading into the dark abyss of uncertainty, the chasm of failure. He was hanging on by a rope, and as he set out that night, a lone traveler after a failed mission¸that rope was slowly started to fade. The rain poured in his eyes, stinging harshly. The night closed in around him, searching him, seeking him. Testing him. It invaded him, to the depths of his soul. He felt his heart slowly fall away even as he tried to hold onto it harder. He would keep, he would sustain, he would endure. He would endure.

5. Cinderella- Peter and Lucy, sibling fluff

Lucy Pevensie had that “little sister” look on, and it was working well. Peter feigned a sigh, acting as if he felt obligated to indulge her. Secretly, he winked to her, showing her he really didn’t mind. Lucy’s grin turned genuine as Peter lead her out onto the floor. He danced and she followed.

Lucy smiled contently. It was the moments like these with her big brother that she waited for. Dukes and knights were dancing all around her, as well as Susan and Edmund dancing somewhere on the floor, but at the moment she was concentrated only on one thing: Peter.

The eldest of the siblings smiled happily down at his younger sister. It was well-known throughout the kingdom that the high king would do anything for any of his siblings, but he had always felt closest to Lucy than Susan. Susan was his partner in thinking in running the kingdom. She was clever and intelligent and she knew just what to do. Edmund was every inch his brother, the one who fought with him in life and death. Lucy was the one he could dote on affectionly. And he took every chance.

The clock struck, symbolizing the end of the ball. With exaggerated gestures, he bowed and Lucy laughed. These were the moments they waited for.

6.  Good Girl- Lucy

Lucy Pevensie had always been a bit of an oddity, but now she was considered even more so. There was this constant aura around her that she was completely alone in her happiness. Make no mistake, everyone liked Lucy Pevensie. They just didn’t all know how to take her bouncy smile and the fact she never seemed to have a bad day. Though of course they didn’t see what happened behind the scenes- the times Lucy cried in her room, or blew up at sister, or seemed so alone. Once, an adult asked Helen Pevensie about the strange enigma that was Lucy. Helen just laughed and said Lucy had always been a good child, but seemed stranger ever since her children had returned from the time spent with the Professor.

7. Storm-Edmund

The wind and rain that battered the windows seemed to mirror the emotions Edmund felt in his heart so well. It had been about three months since the siblings had returned from Narnia, and they were all having trouble adjusting. Edmund often described the feeling as if he was in the middle of a hurricane on a one-person canoe. He felt if the winds would just abate for a minute; if he could just see a glimpse of Aslan’s face, then he would be able to go on. That everything would work itself all right in the end. But the truth was, Edmund had felt or seen none of those things. He was having to learn to deal one minute at a type. He tried to keep in his heart the lessons learned from Narnia. For him, there were several, starting with resisting temptation to protecting his older brother. 

Getting Up-to-Date

So it's been quite a while since I've updated. That's mostly because I was adjusting to being a college student. Don't get me wrong, it was quite enjoyable, but between moving to a new city and having to re-learn pretty much everything, it didn't leave much time for fanfiction writing, let alone updating this blog.

So to catch up, what has happened since last October?

Well, I uploaded a few short stories to fanfiction.net:

Every Season

Progression of a Heart

I also updated Turnings and To Let Go, but sadly, not Through Shadow and Fire. One day, that story will be finished, I promise.

Also, my story The Lion's Roar won the The Lion's Call Reepicheep Award for best completed short story. I am shocked and grateful!

Currently, I'm Working on a couple of short stories, so hopefully this summer there will be more updates than over the past school year.

Bonds- Commentary

I can safely say that Bonds is my most popular story on fanfiction.net, as well as one of my favorites(I think my personal favorite would be To Build a Heaven). It's probably my longest short story, and one that I had so much fun writing one particularly wet, cold day over Christmas break last year.

The inspiration hit me as I was reading through my list of lyrics, and the line "Deliver us from these prisons" from the song "Your Love is Strong" by Jon Foreman. The song has absolutely nothing to do with the story plot, but I loved the line and my mind jumped to Pevensie brothers + prisons= potential for great fan fiction.

The first part of the story is my least favorite part. One, it basically just sets the scene and gives the entire plot a reason. It's entirely a plot device and was actually the last part I wrote. I tried to give the characters( the bartender) a few nice entertaining quirks, but on the whole, rather unlike Edmund, I just wanted to leave the pub.

The true story, to me, starts when Edmund and Peter begin talking. I really do enjoy the banter I put in at the beginning, it seems a very "them" thing to do, but I believe my favorite part of the story is when the atmosphere changes with a simple line of Edmund's, followed by a response from Peter.

Peter smiled sadly, understanding the deeper meaning behind the words.

“I know, I know, Peter,” Edmund said softly, “You could always fight your own battles.”

Peter stopped walking suddenly, looking down at the bleak and cold concrete street. “I was worried.” He said.

With that, the entire story shifts from "bonds" to "Bond" for me- the brother's amazing, close bond. Because after a lifetime of living and almost dying together, the bonds they have are parallel to none other.

And Peter is right- Edmund has seen too many prisons in his short lifetime, and they do haunt him. Some of them have been physical, like being a captive of the White Witch, while others are much harder to find.

This story is also the story where I first introduced the lines I have the brothers repeat often:

"Protecting you from nightmares, of course."

"Protecting me, or protecting yourself?"

I had to have the story end on a happy, lighthearted note after the brother's heavy discussion, so I thought them waking up late and racing to the breakfast table was a nice light, fluffy way to end the story.

Falls the Shadow

As soon as I finished Through Shadow and Fire(there's not too much story left to go through, but who knows how long it will take to get there) my next project is going to be my multi-chaptered fic Falls the Shadow. I posted the prologue on Fanfiction.net already, simply to force myself to finish the story. I've just started the planning stages and it's already giving me trouble, but I like the idea and it's a story I want to write before someone else does.

Basically, it's an Edmund-centric story that deals with closure. Edmund's closure with himself, and who he is. It's basically about Edmund's last step before he can fully accept himself after the events of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. By this point in time, he's already forgiven himself, he's learning how to be a King and he realizes that's a process that may never be fully completed, but he's not yet to where he needs to be. He's forced into this, quite literally, when he has a nightmare of the "Hollow Men"- hollow spirits that are neither quite dead nor quite alive. They are, all in all, the closest thing Narnia has to "ghost", and they are an evil entity. When the Hollow Men beckon one, you cannot resist their call or you will become one of them. By journeying to the Hollow Men, Edmund faces the truth, the whole and complete truth, and becomes whole by it(or better, because Aslan has already made him whole, he *realizes* that he is whole.

The title, and the inspiration from the story, come from T.S. Eliot's poem "The Hollow Men":

MISTAH KURTZ -- HE DEAD.
A penny for the Old Guy

I

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us--if at all--not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.

II

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer--

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom

III

This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man's hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death's other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

IV

The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
and avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death's twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.

V

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
and the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Bonds-Audio Version

So I've never done this before and I hope it works, but a few days ago I made an audio version of Bonds. I'm not really sure why-I think I was bored and wanted to see what it would sound like- but to my amazement, I actually managed to make it all the way through it, so I stored it on my computer and thought I would share. It's not a superb quality audio-I mess up a few times and there's faint background noise- but I was actually happy it didn't come out worse. So here's to hoping this link works: Bonds , for your enjoyment.

I'm hoping over the course of the next few weeks I'll be able to do this with a few other stories as well. I think I'll stick only

to the oneshots though; reading "Through Shadow and Fire" or even "Final Journey"(I may do that one in parts)

would probably prove too much for my voice. I'm not a very natural speaker.

"Through Shadow and Fire" playlists

I know I haven't added anything here in a while, which I know is no excuse because it's not like I don't have enough material- I have 30+ stories posted on fanfiction.net already, not to mention scraps and bits I would love to share. Unfortunately, I cannot find it in me to actually talk about any of my stories right now, but I decided I would share my "Through Shadow and Fire" playlists, which is put on repeat whenever I work on the story. Some songs are on there for the lyrics, others for themes, or the general mood they create. Some deal with Edmund and Peter's brotherly bond, while others hint at emotional turmoil and angst. So, in no particular order:

1)Never Will I Break- 3 Doors Down

2)Walk On- U2

3)Cry-James Blunt

4)The Call-Regina Spektor(I know, I know, how original am I, using songs from Narnia soundtracks? But I can't help myself)

5)Bring It On-Steven Curtis Chapman

6)The Shadow Proves the Sunshine- Switchfoot

7)Live Free Or Let Me Die-Skillet

8)From Where You Are-Lifehouse

9)Quasimodo-Lifehouse

10)Walk by Faith-Jeremy Camp(I thought this was most fitting for the Edmund-centered chapter, 'To Suffer and Be Strong')

11)Brothers Under the Sun-Bryan Adams

12)Changes-3 Doors Down

13)Citizen/Soldier-3 Doors Down

14)Viva la Vida-Coldplay

15)Even If- ZOEgirl

16)It's Not My Time- 3 Doors Down

17)There Will Be a Day-Jeremy Camp

18)You Can't Take Me-Bryan Adams

19)Things Will Go My Way-The Calling

20)Falling Inside the Black-Skillet

21)Storm-Lifehouse

22)Praise You In This Storm-Casting Crowns

23)Simon-Lifehouse

24)Light On-David Cook

25)Permanent-David Cook

26)When I'm Gone-3 Doors Down

27)I Walk Beside You- Dream Theater

28)Choose the One Who Loves You More-Copeland

29)To Know That You're Alive-Kutless(this is really the ultimate 'Through Shadow and Fire' song.)

My goal, once "Through Shadow and Fire" is actually finished, is to go back and make a playlist that corresponds with the entire story- one song per chapter and post it here. Eventually, I hope to make a playlist for all my stories, even the one-shots, though I'm sure those will be only a handful of songs each.

Quotes that Inspire

Many, many of my stories, primarily the one-shots, come from quotes I've read or collected. I have a spiral full of quotes that just keeps growing. I wanted to share some ones I can remember being particulary inspirational. Some are quotes, some are excerpts from poems, and some are song lyrics. They all have been instrumental in giving me inspiration:

Don't believe the lies that they told to you
Not one word was true
You're all right, you're all right,
You're all right

And I have felt the same
As you, I've felt the same
-Simon, Lifehouse-

This song lyric basically inspired the story that is also named "Simon". For the most part, the plot was taken directly from the lyrics. Edmund sees a boy who's been bullied, remembers the feelings, and goes to the rescue. My entire purpose for the story was basically to show how Edmund lived once he was back in England. Short and simple.

Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born.
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.
-Auguries of Innocence, William Blake

This excerpt from William Blake's poem was basically where "Reassurance" came from, which of course set up a whole three(hopefully one day four) story arc about how each Pevensie finds Aslan in Narnia. I just thought the "some are born to endless night/some are born to sweet delight"- or rather, some live in misery and others in joy, and why, would be an interesting question for Peter to tackle. Of course, Peter can't find the answers, because we don't know them. But he finds the reassurance he needs.

Know how sublime a thing it is

To suffer and be strong

-“The Light of the Stars”, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This excerpt, for me, sumarizes "Through Shadow and Fire", and I thought it was particulary fitting in the chapter in which Rhahar tries to break Edmund's faith.

False enchantment can last a lifetime.- W.H. Auden

What a great quote for the Narnian world. I'm still trying to work it in for a one-shot featuring either Edmund or Rilian. The plot for my Edmund story is much more thought-out, though it's more traditional.

Love seeketh not itself to please

Nor for itself hath any care

but for another gives it ease

and builds a heaven in Hell's despair.

-William Blake

This, to me, is a quote that sums up the essence of the Pevensies, particularly the bond between Edmund and Peter. It's one of my favorite quotes ever and I have a one-shot in the works centering around it.

It only seems like there is no planned because it is all planned.-C.S. Lewis

If I had to only pick one quote to incoporate in my Narnia stories, it would be this one. This particular insight from C.S. Lewis has inspired my stories from Reassurance to Light After Rain.

These, of course, are not the only things I get inspiration from, but without these particular excerpts, I would never have had an idea to write a particular story, and so they hold a special place in my heart.

the shadow proves the sunshine

Tapping on Wardrobes

I decided that before I start posting any thing on my newest Narnia story, "Falls the Shadow", I wanted to go back and comment on some of my older stories. I started with "Tapping on Wardrobes" for a few reasons. One, and possibly the simplest one, is because I think it may just be my favorite out of everything I've ever written for the Narnia fandom. Two, because this story is really what made me get back in the Narnia fandom in the first place. I had written a few other things before, but nothing that impacted me so greatly. Since then, I have fallen in love with Narnia all over again.

The idea for the story came after a night of sleepless turning. I had just re-read the book, The Lion, the Witch, and The Wardrobe and I was feeling a bit homesick. As a child, I always thought of myself of as a Lucy. When I woke up the next morning, I knew I simply had to write my story out. Even though I put her last, the "Lucy" in my story was actually the first part I wrote. It is also my favorite, because it is the one I have the most experience with. I am that girl. This is me. This is how I feel. This is my story, my problem, my experience that makes me year for Narnia(excerpt from "Tapping on Wardrobes" below, my comments in blue):

She’s only sixteen, but she feels so much older than her years sometimes. She helps her Mom get up from her chair and escorts her to the bed. She always has to be so careful because the slightest movement causes so much pain.

“I love you, Mom.” She whispers, holding back the tears that always fight to be let loose. She cannot afford to cry- she must be strong now for her Mother and the rest of her family.

“I love you, too.” The mother replies as she pats her daughter’s hand. The skin has turned brown and wrinkly, and the girl can feel the chemotherapy port still attached. She wants nothing more than to give her mom an embrace, but refrains. Every night is another worry that she will wake up and never have the chance to see her mother again.

As the girl slips off to her own room, on an impulse, she fights through a layer of clothes to the back of her closet. She taps on the white, painted wall to only her the sound of her own knuckles, and she sinks on the floor. I use to do this, myself. As a child, I constantly searched for Narnia in my closet. It was never very magical, as my closet barely fit me even as a ten-year-old and the door has always been broken so that it is constantly open.

She is sixteen, but feels so much younger than her years sometimes. Right now she is the little girl trying to find her place in the world, and feeling as if she never will. Her mind tells her there’s no such thing as a talking lion that comes to save the day or a world in the back of her closet. She just feels like she needs there to be. She desperately seeks this magical land where anything can happen. Where Diggory could bring an enchanted apple back to his dying mother. Where maybe she could do the same. This, to me, seems pretty self-explanatory. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had a sick family member and wondered, if they could just enter that magical land, and find that fruit that restored life to Diggory's mother.

She used to be a Lucy, full of hope and dreams. She could conquer the world. She had enough faith to get her through anything. But know she’s not so sure of herself.

In that moment, it doesn’t matter that Narnia is a fictional world with fictional characters. In that moment, it doesn’t matter she’ll never be greeted with a faun in a snowy wood. All that matters is that she wants to be a Lucy again.Basically, the girl in this part is finding her faith starting to fade. She still holds on to it, she's still sure of it in her mind. . . it just seems dimmer to her than before. And so she will search for it, reaching out to the story we all know and love.

Ironically, even though looking back, the young girl striving to be Lucy's was my favorite, at the time I most enjoyed writing the Susan of my story. I am my own worst critic, but I think out of all of the four, her character is the most real and the one that most meets the standard I had in front of me. Maybe I like her so much because she realizes her own flaws. Of the four people I wrote, she is the only one who resolves "not" to be something. The "Edmund" doesn't want to be how he is, but the words I use are less strong around him and that's for a reason- he is more unsure of his feelings than this Susan is. She knows exactly what she wants-to keep her inner child(reposted below):

She comes home from another day of work to another empty house. She wonders if the children recognize how much she herself needs to hear the story she reads to her class.

She believed in it once- just like them. When she first heard the story of Narnia, she couldn’t help thinking that maybe, just maybe there was an adventure waiting for her between the mothballs in her closet. She had tried for years.

Times changed, and she grew up. She went to University, she got married, she became a teacher in a prominent school. But her marriage shattered in divorce and the edges of her degree turned yellow with age. She sought new work in a small town where all the children she taught were ragged and poor. They had already seen too much of the world at their age, so she read the story to them. I see this woman showing a side of Susan that most people tend to forget: that she was Queen Susan the gentle. So I made this woman not a scarlet woman, like many may choose to portray a "Susan", but just a gentle, hurt, worn soul. Susan, like the woman I wrote about, went through a lot. While I'm not trying to excuse her actions, I wanted to show that she wasn't just all silly frills.

The story, the one that always brought her to belief she once had. Every year, there was at least one child who seem to enjoy the story a little more than the others, one child whose eyes sparkled bright at the happy ending when the new Kings and Queens were crowned, and she wondered if the sparkle matched the one in her own eyes.

But she couldn’t read the story to them forever- everything had an ending. So she would put the book away until the next year, and let her heart sit and grow dusty and cynical. She would reject the child in her for a year.

She read the story today, and as usual afterwards she explores her own closet. She was too old for this, she tells herself, but she keeps pressing onwards anyway. She knows it was futile, but she lets a small hope creep into her heart.

She reaches the back. It is filled with dust and cobwebs, but no snow or trees branches. She, a teacher twenty-eight years of age with more common sense than the rest of the town put together, breaks down into sobs. She promises that no matter how many times this exercise ends in heartbreak, she won’t stop believing.Here is where the difference starts. I believe that if Susan had tried something like this, just to see, she would have taken it as a broken promise, in a way. Whereas for this woman, it just makes her vow annewed.

In that moment, it doesn’t matter this year is just like any other. In that moment, it doesn’t matter that she knows Narnia doesn’t exist. All that matters is that she resolves not to be a Susan.

---

Out of all of them, Edmund's shadow was the hardest to write. I think it's because I was writing from a Lion, the Witch, and The Wardrobe standpoint, and as much as I love him, we can all agree Edmund is quite the beast in the story. Looking over it, I think I was much to gentle with this boy who seems to be similiar to Edmund. I was hoping that by letting him be the boy who didn't want to be Edmund, I could make my point and yet be a bit nicer to the character. While I still think it does the job, if I was ever to rewrite the story I would be much, much harsher to this young boy. After all, when I first read the books as an eight-year-old, before I had grasped the concept of sacrifice and forgiveness, I hated Edmund for his betrayal. At the time, I think I knew I wasn't doing this character justice, which is why I wrapped it up in so short of a segment:

He is one of three and is constantly overshadowed by his brothers.Looking back, I'm not sure why I gave this young boy two brothers and no sisters. I think I was trying to show the seperation between him and Edmund-they're similiar, yes, but not identical. Whereas with the other characters, I was practically forcing similiarities. He doesn’t really blame them for it- his oldest brother has shining natural talents in music and school, while his slightly younger brother has a charming personality.Something else I changed- the fact he has a younger brother. This would probably be something I would change if I were to re-visit the story. He is not jealous, but he wishes he could find something grand of his own.

He remembers the story his fourth grade teacher read about a magical land, a faun, four siblings, a terrible witch and a great and powerful lion. He knows he is the Edmund in the story.I think part of the reason he's Edmund(because let's face it, he doesn't have a WHOLE lot in common with the character. A fair bit,yes, but not a ton) is because he BELIEVES himself to be. Perception can be extremely powerful.

When he thinks no one is looking, he crawls in the back of the old family wardrobe that is kept in storage. He makes his way through layers of clothes so old they could be considered antiques. When he finds nothing but a solid, wooden back, he sinks to his knees and cries.

In that moment, it doesn’t matter that Narnia is just a series of books written by some long-dead author he has never meet. In that moment, it doesn’t matter that a boy of his age should know better than to cry over something so silly. All that matters is he doesn’t want to be an Edmund anymore.

--

Now this "Peter" of my story. . . he was quite an interesting case. Despite being the first we meet, he was actually the last to be written. I like the character that came out in the end, but he was quite hard to write. I didn't want him to be this absolute golden boy- I wanted him to have flaws. It would have been all to easy to paint Peter's image as a sterling example of a young boy, but then I felt it would have lessened the impact of his longing, if not even make it feel forced:

He is not the strongest, the fastest, or the smartest. He is well-rounded and average, but has never excelled at anything. He wants to set an example. He wants to show his little sister that their family can do anything, despite their poverty and undesirable situations. Here I wanted to set up, in just a few words, the typical "big brother" behavior that Peter so often displays.

He wants to be the ultimate big brother, but he is unsure of himself. He is afraid to promise to always keep his sister safe, because he’s not sure he can guarantee it, though he wants to.

He reads to her before bed sometimes, when their parents are too tired to do the task. Their favorites are the fantasies, especially the ones about Narnia. Ordinary children having extraordinary adventures. She once told him he was Peter. He took the title both as a compliment and as a challenge to live up to.

This night, after his sister falls asleep after an hour of reading, he sneaks from the room. Their house is microscopic and he does not even have a closet of his own. The only thing he has is a pantry.Looking back, I'm not really sure why I decided on a pantry. I just wanted something different from the usual wardrobe/closet set-up. And it made it easier to get descriptive, when I could write about the different aromas of the spices and such. The entire paragraphs are of different textures than the ones that deal with clothes.

The unpleasant aroma of a million different spices drifts towards him as he enters. It is dark, and he cannot see where he is stepping. He overcomes his fear that there may be roaches and rats and makes it to the back.

All he reaches is the wall with its dark paint coming off in chips. Instead of the falling snow he desperately seeks, he is welcomed with falling dust and paint chips from the ceiling above him.

There is no magical land for him to find his own worth in, no land where he could become anybody worth mentioning. Just the back of the pantry and the tears that he lets slip down his face.

In that moment, it doesn’t matter that there is no land where he can fight epic battles. In that moment, it doesn’t matter that there is no talking lion who will remind him to clean his sword. All that matters is that he’s not sure of himself, and desperately seeks to become a Peter.

So, there you have it. The entire story and commentary behind my fanfic "Tapping on Wardrobes."

the shadow proves the sunshine

Introduction

Looking over my huge fanfic file on my computer, I realized exactly how much goes in to writing, proof-reading, and planning fanfiction. While myself and other authors gain nothing monetary from these projects, they are a lot of work. Realizing this doesn't make me want to give up fanfic, but instead I wanted to share with any one who may choose to read exactly what I do to write my stories. I know I'm slowly improving into the writer I wish to be, and many of the things I will post-the things that have encouraged me to continue this journey- have been helpful to me. I plan on doing two main things with this blog:

1)Commenting, describing, and giving background information on my current(and future) stories. These might include things I liked but had to delete, an insight on why I wrote a particular thing a certain way, or what inspired me to write that story in the first place.

2)Show what inspires me in general. The songs I listen to, the quotes I read, and the ideas that go on inside my head that all inspire me with ideas.

the shadow proves the sunshine